it's the full moon again

it's the full moon again. last night and the night before.
it's so beautiful...... but the brightness stabs me in the heart because i can't see it with you.

i love it. the light beam that came from the moon.it's the light that shone the dark nights with a ray of hope just like you. when i feel like giving up i think of you. i thought that one day i would find you no matter how far and how impossible it would be.

foolishly i would wait for you n think of how you would smile when i finally find you, to get through those painful days. i know it 's almost impossible but i would like to believe that if i just try really hard and always open my heart for you... you'd come n be by my side.that is how much i love you.

i want to scream out loud of how much i love you but wouldn't it be useless since you can't hear it.
no, since u r not even here.the worthless tears i shed for you in reality does mean nothing....
dear god... will i be waiting forever??
will i grow old holding those pictures i drew of him and die alone??

where are you kiyuu...
please i beg you... come to my side..... i maybe can't hold on any longer....

how it all started

i still remember that dream.
im not sure if it's the same but i still can see it in my mind.

i was having a hard time with my parents n my friends...i was lost.
everything just seem so dull at that time. no one seems like they are on my side.i felt like i was the only one
who tries to live but nothing works out.
maybe i was a bit of a drama queen i guess. but how can i be smiling when i was abandoned by my friends
ignored by my classmates and constantly having to witness my parents gut each other open in the heart.
everything was wrong n they kept on fighting and fighting.

i just wanted to run away. that was the only thing on my mind. a way out.
then came the dream.
i remember my dad holding my hand n taking me somewhere pretty creepy. there was no colour, no sunlight n no hope, that place. and there were these scary stares from the people in the dream.i felt somehow being like fugitive being dragged to my punishment.
my dad left me in this big place n it was terrifying.
i curled up n hugged myself. i could't stand those cold stares that i was receiving.especially knowing that my father wont come back.
but then he came. with his hair pulled back with a headband.
he held out his hands for me. i felt like i was saved. for once in that long scary dream, there was a glimpse of hope and it was him.

waking up. i was certain that he'd be my saviour. my exit. my happiness but most importantly maybe even my home. i was gifted with a bit of talent for drawing. i drew him out with hope that i would be able to see him soon.but it really just a dream.......

he never came.3 years of waiting really drains you out of  your emotions.
3 whole years waiting n hoping for something tht is certain just an illusion.i am now numb. but still he changed me. that dream changed me. waiting for tomorrow did not take as long as it used to be.

i smiling now . honestly. but still tears would always flow.cuz my love for him and my hope for him have never once faded. i will wait for you, foolishly even until i know that time is finished.

i admit it..
i fall for people too fast too deep..
i admit it..
i fall for the most ridiculous things..
i admit it..
i fell for you....

and every day you hurt me when i look out the window and watch the rain, when i see the full moon, when my songs played on my mp3, when i watch a guy who has your eyes or your nose or even your vibe
it's ripping my chest open and burning my soul to the ground...

everything reminds me of you.. the smell of roses..those old books..those spectacles that you would wear..those white shirts tht u love..the air..the sun..my blood when i cut myself..the empty space on my bed when i lay..

is it a sin?
loving you.. i think it is..
because you're just an illusion ..
a way out maybe..
because you're not true.
but this feeling is so real, this pain is as solid as the walls in my room...
and it reaps my heart of happiness..

everyday crying myself to sleep.
maybe i should let go??