Monday, April 8, 2013

love is like diving into a deep swimming pool...



when you first saw that person, 
like the first step on the diving board,
emotions starts to flow in and your heart beats rapidly,
every step was made carefully...

inch by inch you moves closer to the person,
as you curiosity and feelings start to increase,
the weight increases,
then, slowly the board starts to bend...

and bit by bit,
the pressure rises,
it bends and stretch,
you are now at the final point of decision,
and when the board bends the most..

then, will your feelings be decided,
whether it will break,
or will it lose the burden and,
let the love disappear

if it lets go of the weight,
slowly the burden fades and lighten,
the board goes back to its original shape,
but still a bent is engraved,
but the love can never be retained

if its endured the weight,
and broke,
then in split seconds you are submerged,
love overwhelms you,
and from there,
nothing can be done to fix the damage

and in that deep deep pool
it will determine your fate

whether ...,
you will float happily in the water 

or 

drown painfully, submerged with no exit.











Wednesday, March 13, 2013

one last way... to keep you alive.... to keep my promises....

i know what i have to do now......
one last goodbye.

a gift that will make your presence eternal....
never to fade or rusts by passing hours, by time....

i will write you, everything.. anything....
your life, pain, tears, laughs and screams......
everything that i see before they dim out in my memories, all those reasons why i love you,
i'll put them in a bouquet of words beautifully....

so at least i won't just be reminded of fractions of you....
broken down, blurry and unclear



 a decade from now, maybe i can read that book of you and smile....
because then, i'll know you're not just a childish dream, you were a part of who i am.

this is my last greetings, a gift from the deepest part of my heart...
so then my wish to thank you won't burn me down anymore...............

even if i couldn't love you, at least then my one last wish to thank you will be put to life...
and i can put head up high and tell everyone that i really do love you.
and without an ounce of shame, you will be something i can speak of..


kiyuu, thank you.......


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

dream....... A song that mocks my heart...


"my remaining days cannot erase you ....  "
"so sweetly like a lie, i walk with you in my dreams"
"this slow heart makes me miserable, so i can't throw away the promises that remains with me"
"so that i can fall asleep in your embrace that i feel i'll never be in again.."
"the memories i thought that could be forever , you are growing more and more faint.."
"like the memories that lost its voice"

this song i feel like it's mocking me, it's the same. what i feel now it's exactly the same...
it's as if my thought were reborn into this music that i have listened to days and days not knowing what it meant until today......
this is how i feel, word by word translated so perfectly, as if it's mocking my longing....

how i miss him, how  long for him how he is getting further and how im walking a way..... everything is in this one song. haha how ironic is this, finding this after all those shows i put on about how i am leaving..... this song is mocking me and as much as i hate it , i love this song...this music.....

you really are a dream right kiyuu, a dream that i've hold on too strong that my bones are cracking..
i really hate this........... so much.......

i hate leaving u behind, i hate swallowing the reality i hate that this just said all that is locked in my heart and so the moment where i found it out im breaking down into pieces.

but there is no turning back not anymore........ i've said my good bye so i will walk ahead.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

slowly... my tears dries..

its a few weeks after i threw u away....
i was hurt, that pain still.... it lingers within me.
but still im moving forward, im not looking at your windows anymore hoping that you would come out
every time i pass your house i look away, i'll look to the ground

im still crying, im still in pain but im not in longing anymore....
i've moved on kiyuu....... i really did have. but i have to admit there are many times where i just hope that you would just call me and ask me to turn back. i u did, i within a heartbeat would turn back and run to you....
but i know u wont so slowly im dragging my feet forward ... who knows i'll find someone who would really call my name.

but the thing i wanted to say so bad was.... thank you.
no matter how much u poisoned me, you were my life line a few years back.....
so i promise i wont erase you from my memories, instead when the smell of roses lingers
when the moon became full and on new year's eve where fireworks paints the black sky

i'll think of you... i'll remember how you looked up and complimented the sky..
that smile you gave me, the warmth of your cold hands and that word......

i'll remember it well ...... i'll remember you .




Sunday, March 3, 2013

im sorry...

im sorry i couldn't keep my promise, i guess the moon will never be full forever

and because of that im sorry...

Saturday, February 23, 2013

smiling laughing ... funny how in the end tears floods me all over again

i threw you away ...
near the sea where the wind blows and the golden sands grazes my skin...
hoping that what you were would stay as beautiful as the view....


i threw you away.... so why does your face still lingers.
i know that this is not a painfree process, i know that slowly..painfully then i can actually let go..
i know that time heals, but what they never tell you is that for you to heal you're actually dying slowly inside.those warm feelings that was so alive they're dying... and so a part of of you, an emotion that you are so familiar with like your flesh and blood... they're dying.

so what am i supposed to do, i shower my self relentlessly with others, peoples i claim that make my heart skips a beat.... even so.you're the one who making this foolish heart beat anyway...
who am i to fool... the joke was always on me .. so how can i throw it away... this brazen feelings ...
it will never go away as i wish... what should i do...

i can't hope anymore, i can't dream anymore...there's nothing... and yet i am throwing it away.
when there is less than what i am left... im throwing you away..



but you see... that is the only way that i see now. i don't see waiting for you for years to come is ...
well... i just don't see it anymore.waiting and waiting when i know you're not coming...
chaining myself to this foolishness .... i finally woke up...
i know now that the only words that i will be able to utter even after a decade is....
where are you.... how foolish is that huh.... so i will let this go. i will let you go kiyuu......

so don't you dare coming into my life anytime soon.... cuz then all this tears i shed for you would mean less than a speck of dust..... let me feel that what i m doing is worth it and that it was a good decision..
so even if one day i might bump into you in the streets.... i'll just smile and walk away....





so i walk this feelings away right , one day....... 



Tuesday, January 29, 2013

reply 1997 = reply my love!

love...
such a comforting word that is believed to heal even the most deepest pain and scars
but sometimes for me love is a longing, something that seemed impossible....
Reply 1997 a drama about first love and the liveliness of a teen's youth where everything is
innocent and heart pounding.....

i'm sad to say this but my youth ended with nothing for me to hold on to.......
no first love nor even lasting friendships.......
everything was express and nothing would last. my youth was a blank page of longing
and frustration.where are the smiles and laughter that is said to be the best memories of our life...

i have no one to blame but myself.the many wrongs i did was paid in a way where i find my life
no where near meaningful...... i am a lost cost.... where did it all go, all the hopes and expectations.....

the skipping heartbeats, the cold sweats and the stutters.....
the exciting feeling when that person touches you, that electric like shock when that person
is close...... is that not the feeling of liveliness???

where did mine go?? that moment when you realize that there is actually something worth living for
that that something might even save you from your own inescapable darkness...


today my heart made another whine, 
it told me that it wanted someone to beat for,
where as my mind screams for patience and hopes......

i realize that sometimes that love you hoped for would just never ever replies........